4) This picture:
"Oh, God, I'm really feeling these notes I'm playing right now. I could just sit here and smoke and be aloof and play this old piano all day. Oh, what? There's a camera in here? That is so like you, taking pictures of me while I'm just trying to have a serious moment with myself. Whatever. Just don't make any noise, I'm making art here."
Basically what I'm trying to say, is that if Johnny Depp masturbates (and he does) it's probably exclusively in front of a mirror, because he's just that much better than everyone else.
3) Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3.
I'll give you this, Johnny Depp: I did like Pirates 1 when it came out. I don't remember why, and I'll probably never watch it again, but at the time I liked it. I liked it enough to see the second one, which was so over the top and absurd that I was duped into seeing Pirates 3. There were no excuses for Pirates 3. If I'd had horrible diarrhea throughout the movie and had to leave for extended periods of the THREE HOUR run time, not only would I have liked it more, but it probably would have made more sense. Anyway, that's like 30 bucks you owe me for those movies Johnny. Not including the snacks.
2) Charlie and the Chocolate factory, et al.
Just because Tim Burton gets a boner watching you act out a love scene with his wife doesn't mean you're making his movies any better. Sorry. Edward Scissorhands was cool. Corpse Bride was NOT. Sleepy Hollow was okay. SWEENY TODD WAS NOT.
1) Letters to Hunter S. Thompson:
Nelson once convinced me to watch the extras on his Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas DVD. They feature a segment of Johnny Depp reading his correspondence with Hunter S. Thompson outloud. To his credit, you can't really compete with Hunter S. Thompson when it comes to writing. I've never read any of his books, and am not racing to, but his letters are funny. It's not so much the writing that bothers me about Johnny Depp in these segments, it's the following:
A) He's wearing a wrist band and a candy bracelet. Shut the fuck up.
B) He's complaining about going to a press event in Cannes, and all of the horrible people he's going to have to meet and talk to. Boo hoo. Poor Johnny Depp has to go to the south of France and promote his movie. YOU ARE SO TORTURED.
C) The burning cigarette that's just sitting in an ashtray as he reads old letters in a room FULL OF CRAP. Oh, cool smoky ambiance in that weird messy workshop. Where's your taxedermied antlers and antique rifles? You're so unusual. I'm so interested. NOT.
Anyway, if my descriptions not enough, feel free to just watch it yourself.
Still not convinced? Did you know that Johnny Depp produced an album called Rogue's Gallery: Pirate Ballads, Sea Songs & Chanteys? Well, he did.
So, there are 4 reasons to hate Johnny Depp. I'm sure not everyone will agree on this matter. I'm just a lone voice, in a sea of people who get boners for him.